Ask Coach: How To Connect Better With People (In Particular Your IT Solutions Provider Staff)
By Rich Anderson, executive coach with HTG Peer Groups
Q: How can I better connect with people (and in particular, my staff)?
Coach: What do Maxwell Smart’s shoe phone and the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding have in common? Both teach valuable lessons on effectively connecting with others.
Before I get to that, I really appreciate the honesty of this question. Simply by asking it, you are not far from where you want to be — because you have a sincere desire to connect.
You may remember the scene in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the proud Greek father wanted to tie every word back to ancient Greek culture, including the Japanese word “kimono.” Today, we want to look at three short Greek words: ethos, pathos, and logos. Stay with me here. These words lay out a simple, yet profound strategy for relating well to others. I promise we’ll get to Maxwell Smart shortly.
Ethos is where we get our word ethics. Effective connecting or communication begins with your ethics, your character, your integrity. This is an ethical question — do you have a genuine desire to connect? Or do you harbor some ulterior motive, such as a secret desire to manipulate your employees? Your friends? Your family? What is going on in your ethical heart? Your ethical heart communicates that you can be trusted. It is the foundation of being authentic. You can’t fake ethics, trust and authenticity. You won’t connect well without being genuine.
Pathos is the Greek root for empathy. Empathy is understanding. Steven Covey said the single most important habit of highly effective people, was that they “seek first to understand.” Having empathy for someone is to understand them. Your mindset must be attempting to understand the one with whom you are interacting. Today, in the United States, we are so immersed in a culture of self and making sure people hear and understand us, we have a hard time living an others-centered life which focuses on understanding them.
Enter Maxwell Smart, a character from the 1960s TV show “Get Smart.” Max, who was a secret agent, is remembered for talking into his shoe which was also a telephone. To really connect with someone, to really understand someone, we have to get into their shoes. Understanding requires listening. To listen well, you have to consider their viewpoint. In speech class we were taught “know your audience.” What is their frame of reference? You have to think as they think, see as they see, feel as they feel. This is called empathic understanding or empathic listening. Empathy means closing your mouth and listening to the others in your life.
Studies show that effective communication is: 10 percent words, 30 percent sounds, and 60 percent body language. That means we need to speak less, listen more and use our eyes. I like to encourage my coaching clients to “listen with the eyes of your heart.”
Logos is the final Greek word for today. This is where we get our English word logic. Logos can also be translated as “word.” Too often when we are trying to connect with or communicate with others, we jump right to logic. We want to be heard! We want to be understood! Listen to my logic! Can’t you hear me? Don’t you see how brilliant I am? I have all the answers! Listen to my words.
Remember in our American culture — we too often think it’s all about me. Wrong. Let’s take a lesson from the ancient Greeks and Maxwell Smart. If you want to connect with others, don’t start with yourself as the focal point. Don’t start with your words or ideas. Start with them. Focus on others in your life. Start in your ethical heart (ethos). Do you genuinely want to connect and relate to them? Next move to empathic understanding (pathos). Seek to understand them. Empathize with those in your life. Get into their shoes. Listen empathically (pathos). Listen to them with your ears and your eyes. Listen with the eyes of your heart.
If you practice this simple Greek message — ethos, pathos, logos — and think of Maxwell Smart’s shoes to remind you to consider the other person’s viewpoint, you will find yourself better connecting with those wonderful people in your life.
Rich Anderson is an executive coach with HTG Peer Groups where he is most energized by helping people around their priorities. He also presents leadership workshops and seminars including team personality and judgment assessments and training. Prior to his affiliation with HTG, Rich was a private practice attorney where his practice included advising small business owners from startup through succession, estate planning, and conflict resolution. Rich also served four terms in the Iowa Legislature. You can reach him at randerson@htgpeerpgroups.com.